Adventures in Writing: I suppose this is the Porn Battle Meta.

[ultranos]

Egged on by abyssinia4077 to at least attempt the Porn Battle VII, I have been trying to write this sort of thing, despite having no idea what I'm doing. (This is causing Abyssis to laugh at me. Lots.) Originally, this experiment was simply to give poor Cam a break from the huge angst I'm making him go through.

And, you know, I probably should have seen this coming:



SCENE: Writer's head

WRITER: Cam! What now?

CAM: Not going any further.

WRITER: ...Oh for crying out loud, you're mid-act! COME ON.

CAM: I am perfectly aware of this fact. Once we're done here, you're going to send me back to the other thing.

WRITER: Well...yes. That's why we STARTED THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

CAM: Yep. Not going.

WRITER: *throws hands in the air* Sam, come on, do something here.

SAM: I dunno. Getting stuck mid-sex is a lot more preferrable than being dead.

WRITER: *stares* But...dude, isn't that kind of uncomfortable?

*CAM and SAM shrug*

*WRITER bangs head on desk*

WRITER: [muffled] I can always go do Vala's part in that other thing.

VALA: Oh no. Once Cameron is done, I do believe I get my turn.

SAM: What am I, the team bicycle?

WRITER: [still muffled] I note that you do not seem to be complaining about that.

SAM: Like I said. Sex = better than being dead.

WRITER: But you're not FINISHING it.

VALA: Of course not. Then she goes back to being dead and we lose her. Our only solution is to make the sex as fantastic and last as long as possible until you lose interest in the other thing.

WRITER: I hate you all.

Comments

[aurora-novarum.livejournal.com]

Sigh. That aby. She's a horrible corruptive influence.

[abyssinia4077.livejournal.com]

*glares at you*

I DIDN'T TELL HER TO WRITE THE HORRIBLE MEAN SAD TERRIBLE THING THAT SAM AND CAM AND VALA ARE TRYING TO AVOID!

*ahem*

*wanders off to stare at apoca-porn*

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

But you did agree to beta it when it's done, so that's sort of like encouraging this behavior.

*tries to look innocent*

*fails*

[abyssinia4077.livejournal.com]

That's only because you know I can't say no to you :P
(not and continue to keep Ba'al out of my head)

(no you know me, I'm a sucker for angst. Even if I still hate you for it)

Your innocent face no longer works on me!

(I mean, really, I have no write to accuse anyone else of being mean to characters...JACK IS IN *MY* HEAD AFTER ALL)

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

Hee. :)
(Well, yes. HE HAS A CAT.)

(Yeah, well, there's angst and then there's...this thing. I'm hating myself for writing it.)

I NOTICED. NEED A NEW STRATEGY.

(Oh yes, that is a good point. How is Jack these days?)

[abyssinia4077.livejournal.com]

(he does have a cat. Which means having him in my head will mean my landlady's cat attacks my head (more than he already does) and...um...*keeps Jack*)

(At least the hate is mutual. And, really, we can blame it all on evil stargate writers)

I don't think there is a strategy in the world that will convince me of your innocence.

(Jack is being kinda quiet. I think because I've been writing porn about other people and he's kinda tilting his head and watching and enjoying it because it means he gets a break)

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

(Hey, the cat is adorable. Although his presence is leading me to write horribly creepy fuzzy scenes with Ba'al and RepliCarter. WHY.)

(...we can totally blame it all on the evil Stargate writers. I mean. COME ON. I'm just filling in the obvious blanks here. AND IT REALLY HURTS.)

...possibly not. Doesn't mean I can't try.

(Hah. Yeah. Although that does make Jack sound like a voyeur.)

[aurora-novarum.livejournal.com]

Hey, I'm just going by what's written.

"Egged on by abyssinia4077" and "(This is causing Abyssis to laugh at me. Lots.)"

[abyssinia4077.livejournal.com]

Yes. But, it when like this:

ultranos_fic: Should I do X?
abyssinia4077: YES! Doubly so if it puts off the thing I hate you for.
ultranos_fic: OKAY!

Notice how little convincing that took!

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

...are you saying I'm easy? :)

Also: It's very easy to convince someone to do something other than that thing they don't want to do. Dude, it was like "Should I eat chocolate instead of playing with razor wire?" "YES!" "OKAY!"

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

Well, you said "corruptive". Corrupting implies innocence on my part.

I suppose that is highly debatable. :)

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

I think it's the mindmeld. Knew it was going to get us into trouble eventually.

*kicks characters* COME ON.

[aurora-novarum.livejournal.com]

Kicking them?! What kind of fic IS this?!

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

...Cam and Sam were acting like 12 year olds...until they weren't.

And drumming my fingers on the desk in an impatient manner no longer works.

[holdouttrout.livejournal.com]

What you need is an evil someone who has a vested interest in a) Sam being dead or b) Sam getting off. Preferably both. Just sayin'. Of course, this means you're back to torturing the characters...

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

Okay, so this theoretical evil someone is...hrm. I seem to have narrowed it down to a)Ba'al, or b)myself as the Writer.

:P

[holdouttrout.livejournal.com]

Hah! I'd be very amused if you wrote yourself into the scene. Disturbed, but amused.

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

...
...
...
Ooh boy...that would be some EPIC crack!fic.

[lyssie.livejournal.com]

*mocks. A little.*

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

I'm glad my troubles amuse you!

[lyssie.livejournal.com]

In that "I know your pain" way. Sigh.

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

Right. It's always amusing when it happens to other people. *wry grin*