ultranos | The Current Race Discussion and That Caught-in-the-Middle Feeling

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politics

The Current Race Discussion and That Caught-in-the-Middle Feeling

(I don't know if I want this posted publicly, because I'm still not sure if this sounds like whining. But I need to get this off my chest. Help?)

ETA: After being assured that, hey, you're allowed to have your own perspective, I'm going to unlock this. Here's to hoping I don't regret this. Also, fixing spelling errors.

I saw

rydra_wong's link roundups of the current race discussion (here and here) and have been reading through them. Actually, let me be a little more honest: I first had to gather up my courage and then read them. Because I always get profoundly uncomfortable during race discussions.

And I was talking to

abyssinia4077 last night about it and was finally able to articulate why I'm uncomfortable and confused. It's not that I want to make it "all about me" or my interactions and perspectives. Actually, it's, I'm sort of ashamed to say, the opposite:

It's never about me.

Because, you see, in these discussions about race and being Othered, I never see anything from the perspective of those of us who are painfully caught in the middle. Those of us who have a foot in two worlds on the race discussion. Those of us who get scrutinized in sandwich shops at the check-out line and asked "what are you?" Those of us who always have that little moment of grief and confusion whenever we fill out a form and are asked to check one box for "Race".

Yes, I'm talking about the mixed kids.

In the course of my life, I have been asked if I am Italian, Spanish, Latina, Hispanic, Turkish, and I'm probably missing some. My brother has been asked if he's related to Saddam Hussein. (Yes, I'm serious. I seriously hope the kid was joking, but I remember feeling like I'd been punched in the gut when my little brother told me this.) We don't fit into people's little boxes. We're not "brown" enough to be immediately put into one of those boxes, but at the same time, we're not "white" enough to be obviously white.

I was pathetically grateful and amazed when one of my professors this past term was the very first person to correctly identify what my cultural and ethnic background was, after I explained that my last name is Slovak. It was the first time in my life where I didn't have to awkwardly explain that I was a product of Imperialism at its best, and by god the sun really hasn't set on the British Empire.

Because that's what I am. My mother's family came from India to the British colony of Guyana as indentured servants. And in that melting pot of the British Empire's sugar cane fields, they began stripping away some of those cultural things in order to survive. And then, in the 1960s, there were race riots in the country and clinging to Indian culture was the equivalent of painting a target on your head. And when my mother went to college, she went to a school in Canada (all hail the British Commonwealth), where she was mocked by a professor because of her accent.

Meanwhile, on my dad's side, the Slovak language has died with my great-grandmother. I grew up with only scraps of that culture, all of which can almost be held within Christmas Eve dinner, and even that I see slowly slipping through my fingers. And it hurts.

And because it hurts, I can empathize so much with people when they talk about being Othered, about feeling the negative effects of white privilege. And at the same time, I feel horribly awkward and guilty, because that's half of me. Because I don't immediately draw stares or whatever when walking down the street. Because I can "pass" at a glance. I may not be carrying an invisible knapsack, but damned if I don't feel like I'm carrying at least a satchel. Because I feel that weight. Because I feel like a horrible liar and a fake when I let people assume. When I "pass". Whenever I have to decide to BE one or the other. Because it always feels like I have to choose which side I'm going to be on.

Because I'm the kid caught in the middle. I'm the person with a foot in two worlds and belonging to none, and a cultural orphan to boot. (And I can get on a soapbox about American cultural appropriation etc, and how American "culture" is sometimes a bad thing, but dammit, it's the only one I have.)

When

shewhohashope wrote:

- There is no equivalence between the misrepresentation of Othered groups and the misreresentation of [insert white ethnicity]

No, really. It's about power imbalances and a dearth of decent representations. Think about five childhood heroes from novels that are the same race as you. I bet you can find more. Try to think about five that are South Asian. Arabic. Sub Saharan African? Call me back you're not drowning in decent representation of people who look like you.

I had a horrible moment of realization and it felt like a punch to the gut.

You see, I'm still trying to find one. Because there's never the story about the half-Slovak, half-Guyanese-Indian kid. Hell, let's be a little more broad: there's never the story about the half-Slavic, half-South Asian kid. Actually, I'm still trying to find the stories about the mixed kid in general. This is probably why I unconsciously clung to the half-Elven heroes in fantasy stories, because it was practically the closest I could get. Because at least there I got the cultural tug-of-war that IS being mixed.

And then there are those tiny little slaps that happen every time the rare mixed hero or heroine DOES grace the screen or print, and the comments come of how that character is "a cop-out". Mixed with white to be "more acceptable". How it isn't "really" a PoC. And how every single word just twists the dagger a little more.

Because I'm freaking invisible. Because I can't help but believe that some people would be a little more comfortable if people like me didn't exist. And I'm always afraid of these discussions on race to even speak up, because I'm afraid at best I'll get a pat on the head and at worst shoved aside and belittled because I "don't count".

And maybe they're right. Maybe they're not. I don't know. But it's been flying around, and I just needed to get this out because it's swirling in my head, and I DON'T NEED THIS on top of all these other identity issues I have right now.

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See, and I thought I didn't know what to say in my last friend's post about this topic...

*flails*

Because that's an issue in bringing up these very important discussions--people end up "categorizing" and referencing cultural histories. And in an international venue like the internet, even those cultural histories are more diverse than the discussion would indicate.

I *hate* getting into categorizations and stereotypes. I hate presumptions about ethnicity. Identity is not something that can fit into some box on a checklist. Am I immune to doing it myself in people I meet or interact with? No. It's a factor of my upbringing and society I live in. It's still something to always consider and think about.

But it's sad that in this discussion about race, the very nature of talking about inclusion ends up making you feel more excluded.

I'll be back later, but for now I just want to say that you're very brave and I'm listening.

So...in other words, you get to be "too white" for one table, and "not white enough," for the other. *hugs*

You are entirely awesome, and this is a really good--different--perspective. Thank you.

I know the feeling...not many stories with a Germano-Welsh-Italian-Jewish person either.

more than half my ancestry has no doubt been used for cheap labor more than once in history, and the rest of my ancestry came under suspicion on occasion (a German in WW1 America? not kindly recieved)

so...*hugs*

**hugs**

I've been staring at the box trying to figure out what to write, but just know...hugs.

I haven't read the other posts, and my ass is about as white as they come, so sometimes I feel like I'm not allowed to have an opinion on race-related things, because anything I think or say or do will be wrong, to someone. It's a sticky wicket.

But I think you're ahead of a lot of people, and you should speak up. Most people can't really think about the other side; most of us can't change color, or change culture's perspective of us.

For instance, you differentiate your slavic background from white; even when you're passing as white, you're not really white. But a lot of lily-white people have that same kind of experience. Is a person italian enough? Irish enough? In the part of germany I lived as an exchange student, my host-aunt was othered her entire married life because she came from a different village from her husband; they mocked her accent. The villages are like 10 miles apart. And there's the whole north/south thing. Is it just me Not Getting It to think that all these things are related and that we might get further by looking for a general solution?

Also, you're way ahead of the curve, demographically speaking; the numbers of mixed people who identify that way (instead of passing) are growing rapidly. That's a lot of people who aren't served well by the current dialogue.

I think the best solution is to stop thinking about race as a thing, and start viewing everyone as mutts with their own history. It's true enough anyway, and if everyone is a mutt, then who's to draw the lines between people?

but then I stumble up against the people who think I'm disrespecting their heritage or something and I'm wrong and clueless again. But I still think you should speak up when you feel you have something to say.

I would like very much to comment on this post, it reminds me of decisions I've made and things I don't think about anymore. I wrote something out in notepad but I can't seem to post it, because it reminds me far too much of times when I got called a waffler and blind and ignorant and naive.

I don't think of the term Mixed anymore, I just say black. But then of course something happens and I talk about it and it's personal as well as political and I might mention that 'I have family that is', but don't explain things more than that, except maybe to say I'm from the Caribbean.

I'd forgotten the 'Pick Something! Pick what you look like the most!' I'd forgotten how much it confused and hurt.

Thank you for writing this; it's an amazing and painful read.

Would you mind if I added it to a linkspam, or would that feel like too much public exposure?

(Normally I tend to assume that anything public is okay to link, but you mentioned being unsure about whether to unlock it, so I wanted to ask.)

Thanks for posting.

A lot of the people who identify as people of color who are participating in the various and sundry latest rounds of discussion are mixed race, in mixed marriages, third culture kids, or parents of mixed race children. I thikn it ends up not getting stated explicitly because after years of this on lj, a lot of us know each other well enough that it goes already understood.

Also, I think there's a lot of mixed/light skinned people who are talking about these things, they just may not happen in public very often... (http://community.livejournal.com/light_not_white/profile)

Edited 2009-01-17 20:14 (UTC)

Yes.

I'm half Korean, and I look too Asian to be White. I have no ties to Korea whatsoever, which means that I sort of can't clame to be Korean here, because there are a lot of Korean students here from Korea and I'm not one of them.

Instead, I'm that annoying person who checks "Other" on the SAT.

Considering a keyword of the current discussion is "The Other"... and I'm an Other to both the Whites (Americans) and the Others. Oops.

Hey, I just wanted to say that I appreciate your speaking out like this because what you had to say was important, and (on a personal note) if anything I might have posted during this er, heated discussion, seemed to sound like I thought your POV was irrelevant, then I apologise. Thanks again for posting.

I recently posted a set of links (http://www.metafilter.com/77883/What-are-you-Tired-of-answering-that-question) on being multiethnic, with the Bill of Rights for Racially Mixed People being something I wish I had growing up.

Several things make having conversations really tough around being multiethnic and taking it beyond race 101:

- The issues of colorism within POC communities
- (and that colorism was installed, not original to the POC communities, though movies would like you to think otherwise)
- The issues that not all of our ancestors/recent family got to choose who was the parents of their children and how that also came from colonialism
- How some folks like to hold us up as poster children for a "post-racial world!"(ignoring all the previous issues.
- And, the idea that we're the answer to racism- that is, instead of treating everyone right to begin with, multiracial children will somehow lead to everyone looking alike and treating each other equally (which, clearly hasn't worked, all around the world...)

Of course, even getting that far first means really identifying what's up with the dominant discourse, which is why all these discussions tend to break down the most simplistic levels.

When folks can't even accept dealing with racism 101 stuff, there's no way you're going to see more involved stuff get dealt with in a meaningful way.

(here via delux_vivens)

Wow. Just--wow. Thank you for speaking up, for you've voiced something unique in a wide-ranging, on-going discussion I thought had covered all the main points.

Out of curiosity, do you have any thoughts on Obama and the media coverage of his heritage?

I'm reading and nodding. I have family with this dilemma. It's hard, and the words are so hard to get hold of too.

Oh, yes yes YES. I've had the language questioning and the self-questioning and a lot of what you describe. (The most entertaining was probably being asked questions in Italian when I visited Italy. At the time I was all "Yay, I don't look like an idiot backpacker!" but later I started to think about it. And yeah.)

Very well-written post and you've summed up a lot of what I've felt, even though my background's different. Thank you for unlocking this, because I otherwise wouldn't have encountered it (linked here by

carlanime).

Thank you for this.

I'm really glad you wrote this. I'm glad you wrote it because I learned from reading it, but far more importantly I'm glad you wrote it because you have every right to say it.

You do count.

Woo.

So, hi, I clicked onto metafandom yesterday and found an entire page of discussions about race and I honestly have no idea what STARTED this round of discussions, but there it is, and I'm glad something started it because I'm glad I read your post.

And, actually, I clicked on it because the excerpt they stuck on the metafandom delicious page mentioned filling in forms and checking a box for 'race' and I just went "WHAT?" Because I've never heard of or seen a form that has anything like that on it. (I'm from Australia.) (Well, except some official government paperwork that asks if you're Aboriginal or a Torres Strait Islander, but that's just because there are particular government benefit schemes for indigenous Australians.)

And, and, I don't really know what else to add. Just that I'm amazed that there's such a need to know somebody's race.

I do have forms that ask me to tick a box for 'gender' and sometimes I tick all of them. Or draw another box and write 'other'.

Hey, I bounced off your post and it got me to post here (http://goddess32585.livejournal.com/196243.html) and um hey you're not alone?

I hadn't read

ultranos_fic before, just

ultranos, but

goddess32585 linked to this, and...it resonated with me.

I'm mostly white (where I am using "white" as shorthand for white-non-Hispanic), and I benefit from white privilege every day of my life. I was raised as what I'll call "culturally white". But I'm ~1/4 non-white (Sephardic (Hispanic) Jewish, with a small amount of Native American). And I still am not sure how to acknowledge and appreciate those parts of my heritage without coming off as a fake or as trivializing the experiences of PoC, especially since my "minority quantum" isn't even all one thing.

And then there's the whole weirdness-of-Ashkenazi-Jewish-racial-identity part, where Ashkenazim are generally considered to be white, but..."provisionally" might be the right word? "White with an asterisk." "White in some parts of the country." And the way that halfies are regarded in some Jewish circles, especially if they don't practice Judaism.

I bet there are plenty of works with the half-Jewish protagonist, but...there aren't even a lot of representations of ethnic Jews who are mixed Ashkenazi/Sephardi out there, let alone Ashkenazi/Sephardi/Welsh/English/Irish/Czech/German/Native American mixes.

I am worried that with this comment I am falling into the "Being [white ethnicity/white mutt] is just like being a PoC!" trap and hurting someone with my inarticulateness or carelessness, and if I have overstepped somewhere, I really and sincerely apologize. This entry resonated enough with my own identity issues that I felt compelled to comment, despite the fact that my own understanding is not quite worked out.

I am white, and trying to listen when discussions of race comes up, but what you have said here speaks to my identity as bisexual and the feeling of being caught between two worlds, although the situations are in many ways very different.

Thank you for sharing this.

* hugs you maternally * ... no, really. I'm the mother of two mixed kids (American-Irish-Japanese). Here in Japan people yell 'Hello' at them on the street because they look 'half' (mixed); in the US, I've been asked if I adopted them from China (because they look Asian). And I never know where my place is in these conversations: I'm white, and privileged, and I've lived over half my life as a minority in W. Africa and Japan, and I have these wonderful kids who to me are just *mine* and brilliant for it -- but the world keeps trying to label them. I admire you for making this post, because I think a lot of conflicted people are keeping quiet, and that silence means that they aren't recognised. * hugs you again * Stay brave!

Here from IJ's metafandom. I have little to say, but I was struck by this: Actually, I'm still trying to find the stories about the mixed kid in general. Because I simultaneously thought "that's really sadly true" and "hey, I know some of those stories!"

One of my very favorite children's authors, Laurence Yep, writes stories about being "neither one thing nor yet the other" all the time. Usually it's a Chinese-American struggling to balance the two cultures, but there are a couple who're half-Chinese, half-unspecified European, specifically the leads in Thief of Hearts and the series beginning with Ribbons. I recommend him.

I'm not biracial, but my nephews are. Thanks for posting this, and thanks for linking to the Salon article. Maybe they won't have the same feelings, maybe they will, but at least I can try to keep my eyes and ears open.

Like the Australian above, I'm quite surprised about the racial classification boxes (except for Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander people), but there is one time we are asked and that's on the census. There's a number of (multiple-choice) boxes plus write-in space - but that's not going to your college, or your employer, or your health insurance.

Here via

rydra_wong's writeups -- I'm really glad you added your voice to the discussion. Thank you.

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