The Current Race Discussion and That Caught-in-the-Middle Feeling

[ultranos]

(I don't know if I want this posted publicly, because I'm still not sure if this sounds like whining. But I need to get this off my chest. Help?)

ETA: After being assured that, hey, you're allowed to have your own perspective, I'm going to unlock this. Here's to hoping I don't regret this. Also, fixing spelling errors.

I saw rydra_wong's link roundups of the current race discussion (here and here) and have been reading through them. Actually, let me be a little more honest: I first had to gather up my courage and then read them. Because I always get profoundly uncomfortable during race discussions.

And I was talking to abyssinia4077 last night about it and was finally able to articulate why I'm uncomfortable and confused. It's not that I want to make it "all about me" or my interactions and perspectives. Actually, it's, I'm sort of ashamed to say, the opposite:

It's never about me.

Because, you see, in these discussions about race and being Othered, I never see anything from the perspective of those of us who are painfully caught in the middle. Those of us who have a foot in two worlds on the race discussion. Those of us who get scrutinized in sandwich shops at the check-out line and asked "what are you?" Those of us who always have that little moment of grief and confusion whenever we fill out a form and are asked to check one box for "Race".

Yes, I'm talking about the mixed kids.

In the course of my life, I have been asked if I am Italian, Spanish, Latina, Hispanic, Turkish, and I'm probably missing some. My brother has been asked if he's related to Saddam Hussein. (Yes, I'm serious. I seriously hope the kid was joking, but I remember feeling like I'd been punched in the gut when my little brother told me this.) We don't fit into people's little boxes. We're not "brown" enough to be immediately put into one of those boxes, but at the same time, we're not "white" enough to be obviously white.

I was pathetically grateful and amazed when one of my professors this past term was the very first person to correctly identify what my cultural and ethnic background was, after I explained that my last name is Slovak. It was the first time in my life where I didn't have to awkwardly explain that I was a product of Imperialism at its best, and by god the sun really hasn't set on the British Empire.

Because that's what I am. My mother's family came from India to the British colony of Guyana as indentured servants. And in that melting pot of the British Empire's sugar cane fields, they began stripping away some of those cultural things in order to survive. And then, in the 1960s, there were race riots in the country and clinging to Indian culture was the equivalent of painting a target on your head. And when my mother went to college, she went to a school in Canada (all hail the British Commonwealth), where she was mocked by a professor because of her accent.

Meanwhile, on my dad's side, the Slovak language has died with my great-grandmother. I grew up with only scraps of that culture, all of which can almost be held within Christmas Eve dinner, and even that I see slowly slipping through my fingers. And it hurts.

And because it hurts, I can empathize so much with people when they talk about being Othered, about feeling the negative effects of white privilege. And at the same time, I feel horribly awkward and guilty, because that's half of me. Because I don't immediately draw stares or whatever when walking down the street. Because I can "pass" at a glance. I may not be carrying an invisible knapsack, but damned if I don't feel like I'm carrying at least a satchel. Because I feel that weight. Because I feel like a horrible liar and a fake when I let people assume. When I "pass". Whenever I have to decide to BE one or the other. Because it always feels like I have to choose which side I'm going to be on.

Because I'm the kid caught in the middle. I'm the person with a foot in two worlds and belonging to none, and a cultural orphan to boot. (And I can get on a soapbox about American cultural appropriation etc, and how American "culture" is sometimes a bad thing, but dammit, it's the only one I have.)

When shewhohashope wrote:

- There is no equivalence between the misrepresentation of Othered groups and the misreresentation of [insert white ethnicity]

No, really. It's about power imbalances and a dearth of decent representations. Think about five childhood heroes from novels that are the same race as you. I bet you can find more. Try to think about five that are South Asian. Arabic. Sub Saharan African? Call me back you're not drowning in decent representation of people who look like you.

I had a horrible moment of realization and it felt like a punch to the gut.

You see, I'm still trying to find one. Because there's never the story about the half-Slovak, half-Guyanese-Indian kid. Hell, let's be a little more broad: there's never the story about the half-Slavic, half-South Asian kid. Actually, I'm still trying to find the stories about the mixed kid in general. This is probably why I unconsciously clung to the half-Elven heroes in fantasy stories, because it was practically the closest I could get. Because at least there I got the cultural tug-of-war that IS being mixed.

And then there are those tiny little slaps that happen every time the rare mixed hero or heroine DOES grace the screen or print, and the comments come of how that character is "a cop-out". Mixed with white to be "more acceptable". How it isn't "really" a PoC. And how every single word just twists the dagger a little more.

Because I'm freaking invisible. Because I can't help but believe that some people would be a little more comfortable if people like me didn't exist. And I'm always afraid of these discussions on race to even speak up, because I'm afraid at best I'll get a pat on the head and at worst shoved aside and belittled because I "don't count".

And maybe they're right. Maybe they're not. I don't know. But it's been flying around, and I just needed to get this out because it's swirling in my head, and I DON'T NEED THIS on top of all these other identity issues I have right now.

Comments

[aurora-novarum.livejournal.com]

See, and I thought I didn't know what to say in my last friend's post about this topic...

*flails*

Because that's an issue in bringing up these very important discussions--people end up "categorizing" and referencing cultural histories. And in an international venue like the internet, even those cultural histories are more diverse than the discussion would indicate.

I *hate* getting into categorizations and stereotypes. I hate presumptions about ethnicity. Identity is not something that can fit into some box on a checklist. Am I immune to doing it myself in people I meet or interact with? No. It's a factor of my upbringing and society I live in. It's still something to always consider and think about.

But it's sad that in this discussion about race, the very nature of talking about inclusion ends up making you feel more excluded.

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

I think "categorizing", at this point, is sort of something you can't really escape in these discussions. Because I'm not sure we're overall at the point where we can step away from those little boxes. I hate it, because I don't fit in a box. But...for some people, in this issue and discussion, those boxes can be useful. At least in the sense of "this is my box. By owning this box, I am owning certain assumptions and privileges or not owning them." Which...still useful.

It's just painful for those people like myself who really can't fit in those boxes. Because it always feels like I'm being asked to take sides, and by asking me to do that, I'm being asked to cut away half of myself.

As for feeling excluded, well, it's more of that I also feel like if I want to talk, I have to walk this tightrope made of razor wire over a field of broken glass. Because I constantly have to wonder if I'm "qualified" to speak or if this is some weird "white privilege" I've semi-inherited, but can't really use all the time because, hello, not-white here.

[aurora-novarum.livejournal.com]

But...for some people, in this issue and discussion, those boxes can be useful. At least in the sense of "this is my box. By owning this box, I am owning certain assumptions and privileges or not owning them." Which...still useful.

Oh! That's very true. Because there are people that fit in boxes that need to have their voice heard and not just be shlepped into that other.

But in doing that, it also creates the problem you're experiencing of your round peg not fitting either square A or square B's holes, and it doesn't make your viewpoint or experiences any less valid than A's or B's--"privileged" or "minority".

I don't know you have to acknowledge the one issue by dismissing those that don't fit either category (or both categories). If that even makes sense.

[abyssinia4077.livejournal.com]

I'll be back later, but for now I just want to say that you're very brave and I'm listening.

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I wish I felt brave.

And thank you for listening. It helps. A lot.

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

But in doing that, it also creates the problem you're experiencing of your round peg not fitting either square A or square B's holes, and it doesn't make your viewpoint or experiences any less valid than A's or B's--"privileged" or "minority".

Yes.

This is pretty much the crux of the problem. There's this issue of trying to fit people and experiences into square holes. And that's hard, because we're dealing with people and experiences, and those are always different. But those of us who only have round pegs while everyone else has square ones just feel a bit left out. Because, overall, there are a lot more square pegs than round ones. And sometimes, we can sort of shove that round peg into a square hole, but it doesn't really fit that well. But hey, it's a hole.

And now I might be beating that analogy to death, so I'll stop.

As for acknowledging the issue without dismissing those who don't fit in either or fit in both categories, well, that's the problem when we're talking about people, not numbers or things. It's very weird, because the scientist in me would love to just be able to stick labels on things and go from there, but the confused kid in me knows that's not possible. If that makes any sense whatsoever.

[abyssinia4077.livejournal.com]

I know the feeling and *nods* and *nods some more*

(also, eee, icon)

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

I figured you knew the feeling. Also *nods*.

(icon! I figured pensive!RepliCarter was acceptable for this.)

[abyssinia4077.livejournal.com]

(consider one of Repli!Carter's biggest themes is identity crisis and trapped between worlds none of which she belongs in? Um. Yes.)

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

(just sayin'. *whistles innocently*)

[holdouttrout.livejournal.com]

So...in other words, you get to be "too white" for one table, and "not white enough," for the other. *hugs*

You are entirely awesome, and this is a really good--different--perspective. Thank you.

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

Yeah, pretty much. "Yet again, I get regulated to the card table in the corner."

Thanks for listening. It IS a different perspective, and for some reason, I always feel like the awkward little kid asking their parents if they can PLEASE sit at the big kids table in these discussions.

[holdouttrout.livejournal.com]

I think it's important not to just have a binary sort of communication about issues like this. Why only allow one other voice? Why not a hundred?

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

Yes. Yes, exactly.

Binary is so very, very limiting in these sorts of discussions, because we are people. People are not binary.

*hugs* &

[rodlox.livejournal.com]

I know the feeling...not many stories with a Germano-Welsh-Italian-Jewish person either.

more than half my ancestry has no doubt been used for cheap labor more than once in history, and the rest of my ancestry came under suspicion on occasion (a German in WW1 America? not kindly recieved)

so...*hugs*

Re: *hugs* &

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

Yeah, there's discrimination buried deep in histories. I mean, for me, one side were peasants and the other were indentured servants. I mean, what? And even the half of me that's "white", well, it's Slavic. And Slavs have only actually been considered, possibly, "white" for roughly a century. (I remember reading about people coming into Ellis Island and how there were quotas for "non-whites" and how Slavs fit in that category. Because "white" = "Western European".)

*hugs you*

[rodlox.livejournal.com]

yeah...and the Welsh were minors and laborers more often than not (not sure if they were seen as peers of the lowly Irish)...and the southern Italians were only sometimes seen as Whites - even by the US Immigration.

once, I was told I look like a Turk. I think they were just being polite, as my hosts were Turks.

Re: *hugs you*

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

Human history and the tendency to try to label things and assign privilege based on ethnicity and/or race is so very, very distressing. Because you DO get instances like that where it's so much more nuanced than "everyone with light skin and from Europe is White".

I've learned to kind of find a bit of amusement from the "okay, what are people going to tell me I look like now?" thing. Otherwise, it'd get too frustrating.

[beanpot.livejournal.com]

**hugs**

I've been staring at the box trying to figure out what to write, but just know...hugs.

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

Hugs are always accepted.

[cshiley.livejournal.com]

I haven't read the other posts, and my ass is about as white as they come, so sometimes I feel like I'm not allowed to have an opinion on race-related things, because anything I think or say or do will be wrong, to someone. It's a sticky wicket.

But I think you're ahead of a lot of people, and you should speak up. Most people can't really think about the other side; most of us can't change color, or change culture's perspective of us.

For instance, you differentiate your slavic background from white; even when you're passing as white, you're not really white. But a lot of lily-white people have that same kind of experience. Is a person italian enough? Irish enough? In the part of germany I lived as an exchange student, my host-aunt was othered her entire married life because she came from a different village from her husband; they mocked her accent. The villages are like 10 miles apart. And there's the whole north/south thing. Is it just me Not Getting It to think that all these things are related and that we might get further by looking for a general solution?

Also, you're way ahead of the curve, demographically speaking; the numbers of mixed people who identify that way (instead of passing) are growing rapidly. That's a lot of people who aren't served well by the current dialogue.

I think the best solution is to stop thinking about race as a thing, and start viewing everyone as mutts with their own history. It's true enough anyway, and if everyone is a mutt, then who's to draw the lines between people?

but then I stumble up against the people who think I'm disrespecting their heritage or something and I'm wrong and clueless again. But I still think you should speak up when you feel you have something to say.

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

For instance, you differentiate your slavic background from white; even when you're passing as white, you're not really white. But a lot of lily-white people have that same kind of experience.

That's honestly part of the reason I do use that sort of language. Because when I explain things in terms of specific ethnicities (no one is going to argue that being culturally German is the same as being culturally Italian is the same as being culturally British), then I can, maybe, be using language that makes a dialogue possible. Because I can use language that a lot more people can relate to, because it's so damn hard when we rely on skin color. And then we're presented with the problem I have, where people don't fit into those nice little labels and boxes of "privileged" and "other".

Actually, there was a good article by Gary Kamiya in Salon about a year ago: Biracial, But Not Like Me (http://www.salon.com/opinion/kamiya/2008/02/05/obama_race/). It's written about Barak Obama and how Kamiya relates to him also as a person who's half-white. And just the nature of finding your own identity when you're straddling two worlds. Actually, Kamiya's done a few editorials about race. I've got links in my Delicious (http://delicious.com/ultranos/ibarw).

[avalon's willow (from livejournal.com)]

I would like very much to comment on this post, it reminds me of decisions I've made and things I don't think about anymore. I wrote something out in notepad but I can't seem to post it, because it reminds me far too much of times when I got called a waffler and blind and ignorant and naive.

I don't think of the term Mixed anymore, I just say black. But then of course something happens and I talk about it and it's personal as well as political and I might mention that 'I have family that is', but don't explain things more than that, except maybe to say I'm from the Caribbean.

I'd forgotten the 'Pick Something! Pick what you look like the most!' I'd forgotten how much it confused and hurt.

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

I really hate that sometimes I'm forced to do the "pick one!". Because I tried that. I really did. I started checking the "South Asian" box all the time, and then my own mother called me out on it, asking me if I was ashamed of my father's race.

And I felt lower than dirt for that.

And that's the thing. For some reason, at least for me, owning that I AM Mixed is somehow more deeply personal when I talk about it. Because there's a lot of family history and pain and it took a heck of a lot of bravery for both my parents (my mother didn't speak with her father for a year, because my grandfather couldn't deal with the fact she was dating a white man). But...it feels disingenuous to deny that.

So I'm trying to own the term Mixed. But it's so very, very hard, because in discussions like these, I feel so very caught in the middle. Because I can see both sides, and there's this choking, burning sensation in my throat and yet I'm afraid to speak because I can't "choose" a side. Because choosing hurts more.

[avalon's willow (from livejournal.com)]

Thinking about this has actually made me realize that there is yet another side that doesn't get spoken about. The side where someone's black mixed with something else and in my case I end up wondering if I'm appropriating the American African Descended experience, and if in doing so I'm letting go of my own culture.

I do know that I've been feeling more and more than the only thing I have to hold onto my culture is food. Because the food encompasses everything. To further explain things - I'm Trinidadian. Everyone I know in my family is mixed. My first cousins are the most obvious, but my great grand parents were biracial and things do not solidify into one race as the generations lead down to me.

And I identify very strongly with the whole watching of chunks of heritage slip away. It's not the same at all, like hiding parts of oneself in order to survive as your family members have done. That's adding weight I can't even begin to break down. But I don't speak patois and I can't explain to people not from the Caribbean (it feels like at least) that that's a mother tongue even if it's the daughter of combined mother tongues...

My father mentioned to me recently how he walked into an Indian store here in the states and used the words he grew up with for the vegetables he needed and how they stared at him and ended up asking him where he learned those words, had he married an Indian woman? And he was left feeling 'But those are my words too'.

And then there are the times my father casually mentions some aspect of family history and I go into instant denial because it feels like even talking about it is appropriation.

Yeah, I seriously hate even thinking about this. I didn't realize that at all until I read you.