I really hate that sometimes I'm forced to do the "pick one!". Because I tried that. I really did. I started checking the "South Asian" box all the time, and then my own mother called me out on it, asking me if I was ashamed of my father's race.

And I felt lower than dirt for that.

And that's the thing. For some reason, at least for me, owning that I AM Mixed is somehow more deeply personal when I talk about it. Because there's a lot of family history and pain and it took a heck of a lot of bravery for both my parents (my mother didn't speak with her father for a year, because my grandfather couldn't deal with the fact she was dating a white man). But...it feels disingenuous to deny that.

So I'm trying to own the term Mixed. But it's so very, very hard, because in discussions like these, I feel so very caught in the middle. Because I can see both sides, and there's this choking, burning sensation in my throat and yet I'm afraid to speak because I can't "choose" a side. Because choosing hurts more.