The Current Race Discussion and That Caught-in-the-Middle Feeling

[ultranos]

(I don't know if I want this posted publicly, because I'm still not sure if this sounds like whining. But I need to get this off my chest. Help?)

ETA: After being assured that, hey, you're allowed to have your own perspective, I'm going to unlock this. Here's to hoping I don't regret this. Also, fixing spelling errors.

I saw rydra_wong's link roundups of the current race discussion (here and here) and have been reading through them. Actually, let me be a little more honest: I first had to gather up my courage and then read them. Because I always get profoundly uncomfortable during race discussions.

And I was talking to abyssinia4077 last night about it and was finally able to articulate why I'm uncomfortable and confused. It's not that I want to make it "all about me" or my interactions and perspectives. Actually, it's, I'm sort of ashamed to say, the opposite:

It's never about me.

Because, you see, in these discussions about race and being Othered, I never see anything from the perspective of those of us who are painfully caught in the middle. Those of us who have a foot in two worlds on the race discussion. Those of us who get scrutinized in sandwich shops at the check-out line and asked "what are you?" Those of us who always have that little moment of grief and confusion whenever we fill out a form and are asked to check one box for "Race".

Yes, I'm talking about the mixed kids.

In the course of my life, I have been asked if I am Italian, Spanish, Latina, Hispanic, Turkish, and I'm probably missing some. My brother has been asked if he's related to Saddam Hussein. (Yes, I'm serious. I seriously hope the kid was joking, but I remember feeling like I'd been punched in the gut when my little brother told me this.) We don't fit into people's little boxes. We're not "brown" enough to be immediately put into one of those boxes, but at the same time, we're not "white" enough to be obviously white.

I was pathetically grateful and amazed when one of my professors this past term was the very first person to correctly identify what my cultural and ethnic background was, after I explained that my last name is Slovak. It was the first time in my life where I didn't have to awkwardly explain that I was a product of Imperialism at its best, and by god the sun really hasn't set on the British Empire.

Because that's what I am. My mother's family came from India to the British colony of Guyana as indentured servants. And in that melting pot of the British Empire's sugar cane fields, they began stripping away some of those cultural things in order to survive. And then, in the 1960s, there were race riots in the country and clinging to Indian culture was the equivalent of painting a target on your head. And when my mother went to college, she went to a school in Canada (all hail the British Commonwealth), where she was mocked by a professor because of her accent.

Meanwhile, on my dad's side, the Slovak language has died with my great-grandmother. I grew up with only scraps of that culture, all of which can almost be held within Christmas Eve dinner, and even that I see slowly slipping through my fingers. And it hurts.

And because it hurts, I can empathize so much with people when they talk about being Othered, about feeling the negative effects of white privilege. And at the same time, I feel horribly awkward and guilty, because that's half of me. Because I don't immediately draw stares or whatever when walking down the street. Because I can "pass" at a glance. I may not be carrying an invisible knapsack, but damned if I don't feel like I'm carrying at least a satchel. Because I feel that weight. Because I feel like a horrible liar and a fake when I let people assume. When I "pass". Whenever I have to decide to BE one or the other. Because it always feels like I have to choose which side I'm going to be on.

Because I'm the kid caught in the middle. I'm the person with a foot in two worlds and belonging to none, and a cultural orphan to boot. (And I can get on a soapbox about American cultural appropriation etc, and how American "culture" is sometimes a bad thing, but dammit, it's the only one I have.)

When shewhohashope wrote:

- There is no equivalence between the misrepresentation of Othered groups and the misreresentation of [insert white ethnicity]

No, really. It's about power imbalances and a dearth of decent representations. Think about five childhood heroes from novels that are the same race as you. I bet you can find more. Try to think about five that are South Asian. Arabic. Sub Saharan African? Call me back you're not drowning in decent representation of people who look like you.

I had a horrible moment of realization and it felt like a punch to the gut.

You see, I'm still trying to find one. Because there's never the story about the half-Slovak, half-Guyanese-Indian kid. Hell, let's be a little more broad: there's never the story about the half-Slavic, half-South Asian kid. Actually, I'm still trying to find the stories about the mixed kid in general. This is probably why I unconsciously clung to the half-Elven heroes in fantasy stories, because it was practically the closest I could get. Because at least there I got the cultural tug-of-war that IS being mixed.

And then there are those tiny little slaps that happen every time the rare mixed hero or heroine DOES grace the screen or print, and the comments come of how that character is "a cop-out". Mixed with white to be "more acceptable". How it isn't "really" a PoC. And how every single word just twists the dagger a little more.

Because I'm freaking invisible. Because I can't help but believe that some people would be a little more comfortable if people like me didn't exist. And I'm always afraid of these discussions on race to even speak up, because I'm afraid at best I'll get a pat on the head and at worst shoved aside and belittled because I "don't count".

And maybe they're right. Maybe they're not. I don't know. But it's been flying around, and I just needed to get this out because it's swirling in my head, and I DON'T NEED THIS on top of all these other identity issues I have right now.

Comments

[abyssinia4077.livejournal.com]

I was a bit old for Animorphs when it came out, but I think ultranos_fic actually mentioned that to me the other day. And I've never seen either of the other two.

Sorkin has been my main source for tv Jews - Josh and Toby on The West Wing and Dan and Jeremy on Sports Night. They're some of the few that feel accurate to me (and, shockingly enough, are written by a Jew)

[abyssinia4077.livejournal.com]

*nods*

There's a blogger called velveteen_rabbi you may want to check out.

Otherwise I'm just going to nod here. It's something I have a lot of opinions about, but don't tend to discuss with people I don't know well/in public.

[azurelunatic]

I am white, and trying to listen when discussions of race comes up, but what you have said here speaks to my identity as bisexual and the feeling of being caught between two worlds, although the situations are in many ways very different.

Thank you for sharing this.

[busaikko]

* hugs you maternally * ... no, really. I'm the mother of two mixed kids (American-Irish-Japanese). Here in Japan people yell 'Hello' at them on the street because they look 'half' (mixed); in the US, I've been asked if I adopted them from China (because they look Asian). And I never know where my place is in these conversations: I'm white, and privileged, and I've lived over half my life as a minority in W. Africa and Japan, and I have these wonderful kids who to me are just *mine* and brilliant for it -- but the world keeps trying to label them. I admire you for making this post, because I think a lot of conflicted people are keeping quiet, and that silence means that they aren't recognised. * hugs you again * Stay brave!

[(Anonymous)]

Here from IJ's metafandom. I have little to say, but I was struck by this: Actually, I'm still trying to find the stories about the mixed kid in general. Because I simultaneously thought "that's really sadly true" and "hey, I know some of those stories!"

One of my very favorite children's authors, Laurence Yep, writes stories about being "neither one thing nor yet the other" all the time. Usually it's a Chinese-American struggling to balance the two cultures, but there are a couple who're half-Chinese, half-unspecified European, specifically the leads in Thief of Hearts and the series beginning with Ribbons. I recommend him.

[lilacsigil.livejournal.com]

I'm not biracial, but my nephews are. Thanks for posting this, and thanks for linking to the Salon article. Maybe they won't have the same feelings, maybe they will, but at least I can try to keep my eyes and ears open.

Like the Australian above, I'm quite surprised about the racial classification boxes (except for Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander people), but there is one time we are asked and that's on the census. There's a number of (multiple-choice) boxes plus write-in space - but that's not going to your college, or your employer, or your health insurance.

[faithhopetricks.livejournal.com]

Here via rydra_wong's writeups -- I'm really glad you added your voice to the discussion. Thank you.

[etrangere.livejournal.com]

Sephardim are Hispanic - they lived in Spain as part of Spanish society for more than 1500 years before getting the boot during the Inquisition - but not a Hispanic group that people recognize. And then you get other Jewish ethnic groups like the Mizrachim
My mother is from Algeria, I don't even know if her origin was Sephardic or Mizrachic, actually it was probably a mix of both - most people don't really make that difference. She could pass for either white or PoC entirely depending on the watcher (I look more like my Ashkenazi dad). Because we have a lot of Sephardic population in France, it's an origin that I have seen represented in a total of two books I've read through the years. (I'm still boggled in the way that all American media seem to assume Jew = Ashkenazi, or in discussions too).
None with half Sephardic half Ashkenazi character though.

[feuervogel]

You've been metafandom'ed.

This is a beautiful post. Thank you.

[jessiehl.livejournal.com]

While we're on the subject of Obama...have you read Dreams from my Father (his memoir of his childhood, young adulthood, and accompanying identity struggles)? If you haven't, I highly recommend it...even though he made a different choice than you did as far as self-labeling goes, I suspect that the struggles themselves will resonate with you. Parts of the book made me tear up repeatedly.

[jessiehl.livejournal.com]

I think one reason the US is obsessive about it is because the US is so multiethnic. I, personally, support certain kinds of race-based affirmative action because of my social psych background. I know that internalized societal perception of ethnicity can mess artificially with performance (did you know that you can lower the performance of high-performing black kids relative to white kids on academic tests by simply reminding them that they are black with an ethnicity question beforehand? or by telling them that the test measures innate aptitude, thereby triggering their internalized ideas of blacks having less innate aptitude?). And I know that unconscious bias is quite pervasive, and thus think that aggressive measures to counterbalance it are an unfortunate necessity.

So I do think it's appropriate on college applications (it lets schools take countermeasures to the effects of societal racism). I think it's probably appropriate on the SATs, for statistical purposes (but should be at the end of the test, not the beginning - see my previous paragraph). I just think that you shouldn't be confined to one box. And why they need it for a driver's license, I haven't the faintest idea.

Applying to grad programs, I liked Tufts' implementation of the race/ethnicity question. They had a long list of identities (generic ones like "White" or "Native American", and specific ones like "White - Middle Eastern" or "Black - Caribbean" or "Hispanic/Latino - Puerto Rican"), and you could choose up to five. They still didn't have an "Other" - I guess they figured that between the generic categories and the specific ones, and the up-to-five-boxes part, they caught everyone. Northeastern, on the other hand, has the "Pick one: White, Black, Hispanic/Latino, Native American, Asian" version with no "Multiracial" or "Other" option.

[bridgetmc.livejournal.com]

You're not alone in your mixed heritage. *hugs* While I self-identify as Asian, and when pressed further Filipino, I'm mixed like whoa.

It is a horrible feeling when you're mixed and people place their labels you, depending on which 'side' you look more as. Yet even then it's you're not Asian enough or you're not white enough. I'm very fortunate in a way because I grew up in a large Filipino community in Hawaii and so anyone who had Filipino blood, even if their father/mother is white or black or which parent they looked like the most, they were still considered Filipino, period. My cousins never grew up with the mentality that they weren't 'enough' because of their mixed ethnicities or looks.

[chipmunk-planet.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting this. And unlocking it.

via metafandom

[silveronthetree.livejournal.com]

Those of us who have a foot in two worlds on the race discussion. Those of us who get scrutinized in sandwich shops at the check-out line and asked "what are you?" Those of us who always have that little moment of grief and confusion whenever we fill out a form and are asked to check one box for "Race".

I feel horribly awkward and guilty, because that's half of me

You aren't the only one. You have managed to articulate many of the things I have been feeling about this whole discussion but have been too nervous to talk about. Thank you.

[llyfrgell.livejournal.com]

I'm just passing through from metafandom, but these are exactly the thoughts I was having in response to this post.

Therefore, seconded.

[gershwhen.livejournal.com]

In from Metafandom with a comment. You ARE brave. Brave isn't a feeling, it's doing what you know is right (or trying) even when you're scared. This post and *you* ARE brave. And I thank you.

[cleverthylacine]

I'm adopted and don't even know what I am exactly. Only that people speak to me in Spanish on the street and don't believe me when I say I don't understand them till I answer in some other language that's not English and then they nod, thinking they get it, only I learned Japanese, the one I usually use, as an adult.

I'm loud about Jewish stuff and queer stuff because I know who I am in those conversations, but basically, while I have white privilege in that I was raised by white people (there are class issues, of course, and how much white privilege I get depends upon what people see when they look at me, which varies by how I am dressed or something like that), I also have weird memories of conversations with my father about "what to say when people say you're not actually white" which boiled down to "You are white! you are you are you are!" as if saying it enough times would make it true, despite the fact that I look kinda mixed and am almost certainly some kind of mutt :)

When I travel in Eastern Europe people think I'm a local; when I travel in Asia people think I'm half-Asian a lot, but I don't really know. And I won't, ever. The information isn't there. I know who my biological mother was, but the father was never identified.

Whatever. I like to say I don't care.

(I still don't understand what any of this has to do with a faerie creature that isn't actually of any human race and was only pretending to be a black person because it, with no knowledge of the black experience, simply thought that would make it prettier. And I don't think I want to know either.)

Re: via metafandom

[cleverthylacine]

I refuse to feel guilty about it. I was born. It is not my fault that I'm not really one or the other thing all of the way. I refuse to feel guilty about anything I didn't personally do.

[(Anonymous)]

Here via metafandom! I just wanted to say that I really appreciate your posting! However, I do think that the emphasis on race in everyday life is an American thing. I'm half Mexican, half Austrian and I pass in about every country in Europe as a native (perhaps not in Scandinavia or the former Eastern Block but everywhere else). And when I went to the US last time, I found that this is much more an issue there than it is here. Nowhere in Europe (at least not in Austria and Germany and I think it's the same in the whole European Union) you have to fill out forms stating your 'race'. It'd be considered racism if any government tried that and I think that many people would check 'black' just for the heck of it. I was only ever confronted with this on an airplane heading for Atlanta when I had to check 'Hispanic' on the immigration form.

I always wanted black hair like my mum. I have to admit that only in the US I learnt to appreciate the fact that it is brown. I think that's sad.

(and I, since there are no Euro-Latinas anywhere in YA or fantasy literature, I never even looked for it. I was already content if the heroine was not blond or red-haired, as most are, and had blue or green eyes. I suppose that's why I identified most with Spock and spent most of my money on manga. At least these girls looked like me)

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

*nods* That makes a lot of sense. After I posted, I actually wondered how much the language I chose to use would resonate with people. Because I realized I used a lot of the same language as one would use to describe pretty much anyone who felt caught between two worlds.

And thank you for listening.

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

You know, I sometimes wonder what it was like for my own mother raising two mixed kids, and hearing us come home with stories of "I got into an argument today with a kid because he said I was white and denying it" (me) or "my best friend asked me today if I was related to Saddam Hussein" (my brother). Or hear about me coming home from a school trip and hearing how I was one of the only ones pulled aside by the TSA at the airport to be specially searched. And watching me struggle to figure out what box to check on forms.

And you know, just...knowing that she loves us because we're hers just really does make a lot of those things secondary. Maybe some day, the rest of the world will catch up. In the meantime, I'm okay with my parents' label for my brother and me: "mine".

I suspect your kids are too.

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

I think I read a book or two by Yep when I was a kid. I remember loving it to pieces, and always, always, always being depressed that I could never find anything by him at the local library. Maybe it's time I go back and look again. :) Thanks!

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. Thanks for reading.

For colleges, I suspect a lot of it has to do with affirmative action, and the ability to immediately give out the demographics and stats of the make-up of the incoming class or students admitted. (n% white, x% black, y% Asian, etc) For everything else, I'm not entirely sure.

[ultranos-fic.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

(Also, your icon is brilliant.)